Twelve weeks and two days ago, I gave birth to an amazing, sweet, beautiful little boy, Benjamin. It was the best day of my life. Since then, I have spent countless hours drinking him in. We've cuddled, napped, and played endlessly as I watched my sleepy newborn turn into a giggly, loving infant. I've never been happier. From the moment I first held Ben, I knew we were meant for each other.
Tomorrow I have to go back to work. (cue the sound of a breaking heart)
Had you asked me two years, one year, even six months ago if I could be a stay-at-home mom, my answer would have been "no". I have been working since I was 15 years old. I spent all of my 20's and a healthy portion of my 30's building a thriving, successful career. It was unimaginable to me the thought of giving that all up to stay at home with a child...until I had one.
Tomorrow I have to go back to work. And I don't want to go.
I've never been a jealous person, until now. I envy anyone who can stay at home and raise their children full-time...especially my husband. Yes, I am going back to work and my husband is going to stay at home. I love him and hate him all at the same time.
When I got pregnant, my husband and I sat down to start planning for our family. We laid out different scenarios, crunched numbers and debated over pros and cons. This discussion took all of about an hour. We were on the same page. We did not want to put Ben into child care, so the decision was made that my husband would stay home.
I am so grateful to have a husband that does not resent the fact that I am the "breadwinner" and is willing to take on the the enormous responsibility of being with our son, full-time, during these formative months; however, given the chance, I would trade places with him in a heartbeat. I'm a mama now and every urge, instinct, desire and driving force in me is screaming to take care of my son 24/7. But this is not our reality and I am overwhelmed by the guilt of leaving Ben. Will he understand why I went to work instead of staying home with him? Will he feel abandon? Will he miss me?
Tonight, Ben and I cuddled in his nursery. As I nursed him to sleep, he gently opened his eyes and smiled as if to say to me, "Don't worry mama. I'll be right here waiting for you tomorrow when you get home and we can pick up right where we left off."
